Relationships as a Mirror: A Pathway to Healing, Self-Growth, and Personal Transformation

We have been conditioned by mainstream society (and Hollywood movies) to believe that romantic love is the highest form of love and that we are incomplete without it. 

We are also lead to believe that when we find our “soulmate” it should be relatively seamless, conflict free and lead to out very own “happily ever after”. 

This also breeds the notion that when we encounter challenges/conflict in our relationship there is something wrong with the relationship, or that our partner is doing something wrong/is not the right fit for us. 

Of course there are relationships where abuse is present (physical, emotional, psychological, financial etc) and the notion that something is not okay is very legitimate. In these instances where the relationship is very unsafe, it’s very important to seek support and exit the relationship if and when safe to do so. 

However, in relationships where this is not the case, repeating negative dynamics that arise ( what we call in Emotionally Focussed Therapy the “negative cycle”) are trying to catch our attention so we can learn something about our own unmet needs, our wounds and fears that arise through the process of attaching to out partner through intimacy. 

The problem is that due to our conditioning, the majority of people aren’t able to see these dynamics in this way and often repeat the same cycle over and over until either the relationship becomes very strained, or there is a dissolution of the relationship all together. 

In my work as a couples counsellor, I teach couples about the trajectory of relationships (using attachment theory as the foundation) in order for them to understand the stage they are in and their own needs. 

Most people are familiar with the initial stage of a relationship called the ‘honeymoon’ stage otherwise known as Limerance. This is when we meet someone new and we are flooded with excitement and happy hormones (oxytocin and dopamine). We tend to see our partner in a very positive light during this stage, the conversation flows effortlessly, the sex is incredible and we feel deeply connected - like we have found our “soulmate.” 

During this stage, we tend to overlook or dismiss potential challenges, difficulties or red flags presented by our partner or the relational dynamic because we are basically “high on love” and not wanting anything to pierce our love bubble at this stage which usually lasts anywhere from 3-6 months. 

Limerance is replaced by the trust building phase - this is when the love hormones have largely worn off and we slam back down to Earth enabling us to see our partner for who they really are warts and all. We may start to question the relationship and start to see things about them we don’t like. We may start to ask ourselves questions such as, “can I trust this person?” “Do they have my back? Do we have to same values? Do we want the same things in life?”

This is also when negative relational patterns can start to develop - in emotionally focussed therapy I often help couples to understand the “dance” that they are playing out in the relationship, the most common one is referred to as the “pursuer/withdrawer dance” which plays out in a myriad of different ways depending on the couples unique circumstances, background, and personality/conflict styles. 

It is often at this stage when couples start to feel frustration, hurt, anger and or blame towards each other or themselves. They may start to question the relationship as a result and conclude that it is “not meant to be” when this is a golden opportunity to lean into the conflict to learn more about ourselves, our vulnerabilities, our fears wounds and unmet needs through the profound mirror of the other. 

It is through careful examination of these cycles that we can gain tremendous insight into our own psyche and not only heal ourselves, but work with our partner to heal and transform entrenched negative generational patterns that were unknowingly passed down to us through our family lineage. 

Some of these relational dynamics may have been playing out for centuries in our family lines and can have to do with outworn/gendered templates such as the feminine being associated with victimhood and the masculine being associated with being the perpetrator etc. This is only one broad example, and there are many different ways that these kinds of patterns can manifest and play out out in our most intimate of relationships. 

At the end of the day, it is within our most intimate of relationships that we have access to our buried shadow self and the opportunity to address it and heal it for the purpose of personal transformation for ourselves, our family line and our partner.